something Grace could never have made up

Before I begin, this is not one of those posts-in-which-Grace-takes-liberty-with-the-facts-to-tell-a-good-story. This happened. This actually took place.

The scene is set in GRACE's office. GRACE is deep in concentration on the computer. Her mobile rings (ringtone: Hallelujah Chorus) and GRACE fumbles in her pocket to answer.

GRACE: Hello?

FORMER LINE MANAGER FROM PLACE OF FORMER EMPLOYMENT (FLMFPOFE): Grace?

GRACE: FLMFPOFE!

FLMFPOFE: Grace, we've heard you're now working in research!

GRACE: Er, yes.. sort of. How are you? How's the family? How's everything?

FLMFPOFE: Fine. But listen love, we've got something to ask you.

GRACE: Er, go on...

FLMFPOFE: We need some research done.

GRACE: Um, OK...

FLMFPOFE: Research into, you know, how to reach the community, extend the Kingdom.

GRACE: Great.

FLMFPOFE: Could you help us?

GRACE: Er, yes, of course. But... what sort of research are you wanting.

FLMFPOFE: It's about parrots....

GRACE: Right...

FLMFPOFE: ...and about their potential in evangelism.

GRACE: What an, um, interesting, er, different idea.

FLMFPOFE: We'd be wanting you to interview the parrots.

GRACE: Er (pauses) yesssss.

FLMFPOFE: So would you do it for us? As a piece of research? Now?

GRACE: Wh-what sort of timescale are you wanting when you say, like, when you say 'now'?

FLMFPOFE: Really, really soon as possible. It's an urgent thing. We need to reach the communit here for Christ. There are young, young mums dying, you know how it is...

GRACE: Well, sometimes these things take a while to work out. We might want to sit down together to put a proposal together. Given that we're talking about interviewing, we'll have to run it through a research ethics committee.

FLMFPOFE: Oh no. I've looked it up online. The guidelines say that if you're using between 38 and 1008 parrots you don't need ethical approval.

BELOVED: (shaking GRACE awake) Graceeeeeeeeey? Darling? It's raining ... I'm not due in till 10 this morning ... would you like a lift ... shall I have a shower first...?

GRACE: (yawning) Urghm... yesss... what-what time is it?

Grace sees her old job advertised and starts thinking

Before I left Place of Former Employment, I'd written, upon their request, a few bullet points suggesting how the structure of the role could be improved. So now that they're advertising, I'm aching to read their job description and person spec. Not in a voyeurisic, titilating way... but because, with the role properly set up and managed, so much more could be achieved.

Each time I've been back to the neighbourhood - and it has only been a few times - I see people I knew, lived alongside, worked with. When I was cycling back through there earlier this week, it was the little, little boy whose Mam's funeral was in my last week who stopped me to say hello. I still didn't know what to say to him, even now.

Could Place of Former Employment have prevented Mam's death? I still can't decide. It's a question, essentially, of how much we believe the c/Church can do, of how much influence and/or impact the c/Church can, could, should have over one or an Other's life, a question set against that of free will versus determinism and/or personal, social, state responsibility... and really, I don't know any more. All I know is that now all I seem able to do is pray for that family, and from my cozy new abode three miles yet half a world away, that seems so... well, inadequate...

In which Grace returns to her Place of Former Employment and finds the building piled high with radishes

It was a hot night. And my mother did warn me never to eat cheese late in the evening.

But why radishes?

*Grace thinks of the kids she knew there, and wistfully wonders whether any of them have ever even seen a radish*

Deprived Communities, Evangelical Churches and Faith-Based Family Care: Grace's final sermon to her Place of Former Employment

Deprived Communities, Evangelical Churches and Faith-Based Family Care: how maybe it works and maybe it doesn’t

This is something I wrote during my final few weeks in the job. I'm bumping it up now as it's the last vaguely well-thought-out thing I've posted in a while and, yes... comments from any newly-discovered readers are very most welcome...

The Deprived Community

It is often said that the problems of the Deprived Community stem from a generationally-ingrained culture of dependency, learned helplessness and minimal aspirations. It is true that some of the expectations held by people (you won’t get your GCSEs, you will do drugs and get in trouble with the police, you will be a crap parent and get Social Services trying to get your bairn took off you) seem extremely negative. However, these are attitudes, aspirations and expectations created, held and perpetuated not only by the Deprived People themselves. Instead, they’re things which people have been told or have had more subtly communicated to them by Early Years practitioners, the very structure of the benefits system and the plethora of statutory and voluntary “services” which exists to “help” them. The Deprived Community “poor”, the whole economic structure of society’s response to social exclusion and those at grass-roots level seeking to help the poor all conspire together to keep the “poor” marginalised and downtrodden. What is needed, then, is a way out. A breaking of the cycle at one point or another.

And there appear to be two main approaches to this.

Firstly, there’s the suit-wearing, married toff people who sit in offices and eat lots of biscuits talking about the Deprived People. Their view is essentially that of the political Right - that governments need to cut “services” to promote independence and to reform economically so that people are financially better off in work than on benefits. Ideal, provided the Deprived Community “poor” were both grateful and delighted and able to eagerly partake of each available job opportunity wiping floors or bums or tables, thus reducing dependency whilst reinforcing all social divisions. Getting people into meaningful, productive and dignifying economic activity is a hugely complex task, and one that can’t be done from the distance of a policy-making office. You need to meet and get to know the people.

Secondly, there’s the liberal, educated, veggie box, Lib Dem lefties who’ve chosen to live in the Deprived Community. Their argument is for “services” to become more inclusive, empowering, user-led, grass-roots and radical in their approach, leading the “poor” to rebel against their oppression. It’d be great. Yet experience shows that people who are hungry, depressed and addicted, who are contending with rising damp on the second floor and the need to buy school shoes for their sixth child, do not have the energy of inclination for revolt. And they also find the posh parents at the Childrens Centres and toddler groups make them feel nervous – although the posh parents are really friendly – about going to things like that. Lots of them are, like, social workers and psychologist-type people and you don’t want to be in the same room as them. The empowerment of a community requires relationships deeper and more committed than either the neighbourly or the professional. You need not only to meet and to get to know the people, you need to meet and get to know and live with and alongside and amongst and share everything of your lives with them.

This is what Jesus did.

When he came to earth as the Son of God, Jesus did so in order to meet and get to know and live with and alongside and amongst and share everything of his lives with people, and by so doing, he demonstrated to the world how God wants us to radically recreate society and form a better world. So, in the context of a struggling, marginalised, downtrodden inner-city neighbourhood, the Church has, in the life of Jesus, a wonderful example to follow. And, in the form of the Holy Spirit, the perfect advocate and supervisor to show us how to do it. And the Church, too, has a very clear advantage over all other services, initiatives, projects and social or neighbourhood organisations: its staying power. Churches, and their people, will be in existence for hundreds of years beyond any New Deal, Sure Start or any other social project.

So, therein lies the awareness of an approach that works and the motivation and funding to carry it through. Does it work?

The answer, I think, must lie both in the experience of Those Who Come To Christ from the Deprived Community and in the experience of Those Who Don’t Get It.

Let’s start with Those Who Come To Christ

Are they enabled to have a meaningful experience of God and community? Are they accepted and included? Are they liberated and empowered?

Are they enabled to have a meaningful experience of God and community? Those who have come to faith from Deprived Community are quite definite in affirming that yes, they have. But people who have visited the church as unbelievers or seekers from other backgrounds seem generally not to. Unless a person had “needs” or requires “help”, the church struggles to know how to respond to them.

Are they accepted and included? To a certain extent, but probably only as far as normal class boundaries permit. They are welcome as cleaners, caretakers and caterers, but not in working with the young people, in handling the money or as members of the Leadership. Those are still jobs for the men, for the doctors, for the posh people in the church.

Are they liberated and empowered? I’m not sure.

The first problem, as I see it, of the church approach to outreach within the Deprived Community is that it utilises that very culture of dependency it needs to challenge. It exploits the prevailing culture of hopelessness and dependency by its desire to “help” or “support” or to “care for” people and families. It’s a colonial approach to mission which was developed by 18th Century British missionaries throughout the non-Western world, whereby the natives were taught British social and cultural values as an allegedly integral part of the Christian gospel. It’s an attitude still ingrained within middle class Christianity, to the extent that many are not aware or able to even question it. The evangelical church, in the same way as wider British society, revolves around its notions of them and us.

And the second problem, of course, is that it’s never that simple. What happens when a woman previously afflicted by psychosis and talking to demons suddenly regains clarity of thought and wants to preach on a Sunday morning? What happens when a teenage lad reveals his attraction to other men and insists she is as affirmed by God as ever before? What happens when a “non-Christian” wants to lead a Bible study because he believes God can use his knowledge and insights? The evangelical church cannot cope with experiences which challenge its dogmas. And yet, whenever Christians have sought to engage with a new culture, they’ve been forced to. The evangelical church, for reasons I have never found credible, is afraid to think.

Thirdly, a fear of thinking is, in itself, something I find quite frightening. That every syllable of the Bible is a dictated-from-a-cloud utterance from God is a valid theological position; however those that adhere to this view need to recognise that God’s original Word was delivered in Hebrew and Greek and that any English translation will inevitably be choosing one of a number of understandings of many texts. And most people within as well as outside of Deprived Communities don’t like being told not to think or question or discuss.

And what about the experience of Those Who Don’t Get It?

Why doesn’t it work for them? It’s their fault, obviously. The church could never have got it wrong or have failed them, because the Church is Christ’s body on earth. That’s as far as evangelical thinking goes. However, I would propose a few further suggestions.

Firstly, they might not want or need the sort of “help” or “care” or “support” on offer. Not everyone has or perceives themselves to have to stereotypical “felt needs” of Deprived Community, not everyone wants to enter into a relationship of such dependency. And even if they do want voluntary-sector or faith-based “help”, the church isn’t the only place offering. And the Hare Krishnas down the road do it all vegetarian, too.

Secondly, they may have a background or experiences which fall beyond the scope of what church workers are educationally, intellectually or spiritually equipped to engage with. And church workers have, like anyone else, their professional and personal limitations and prejudices. Like Barack Obama throughout the US, anyone coming the church with an ambiguous ethnic background or allegedly Arab-sounding name will be treated as a practicing and Islamist Muslim, whether or he would define himself as such. Yet whereas professional workers have supervision sessions to consider their practice, their limitations and their prejudices, church workers flounder along in what they’re doing, often with very little space to ask, talk, think or pray.

Thirdly, they might be asking questions they’re not supposed to ask. Like, “why are you trying to put me through a Christian basics course when I’ve read the Bible four times already?” (ans: “because you’re unsaved so you can’t have read it properly”) and “how do you know that the Bible is the word of God?” (ans: “because it says so”) and “why when you say you have full gender, ethnic and class equality here are all the deacons white, male and doctors?” (ans: “don’t ask”) and “but what about how it describes Jesus in the Qu’ran?” (ans: “um, er...”) And so forth. Evangelical Christians are like doctors (and thus so many doctors are evangelical Christians) because both are trained to believe that they know everything, have all the answers and can essentially rely on themselves to be more literate and knowledgeable than those to whom they’re talking. And even in Deprived Communities, people beg to differ. As, of course, did Jesus.

So where do we go from here?

This, then, would be my set of recommendations for evangelical churches wanting to work within Deprived Communities

1. Look after your own workers. Make sure there’s time and space to study, train, think, talk and pray together.
2. Listen to your community. Consider the wider picture, but leave space to recognise the diversity of individuals.
3. Rely on the example of Jesus. He was excellent at both of the above.
4. Don’t think purely in terms of what you can “give” or how you can “serve”. Think about what you can learn from people, and how you can work together.
5. Don’t be afraid to admit when you get it wrong.
6. Don't fall into the trap of believing you can speak directly for God and be his gatekeeper. Remember that, as you keep saying, he's bigger than you are.
   
7. Pray. And listen to what God tells you.
   

grace plants a bush

They'd asked me back to my Place of Former Employment this morning, so that they could present me with an azalea. It's a good thing that someone across the room exclaimed "oh what a beautiful azalea", otherwise I'd not have known what it was. And it's a good thing someone else exclaimed "oooh that'll look lovely planted into your new garden", otherwise I'd have kept the azalea on the dining room table in its pot and probably killed it. Nobody has ever given me a garden plant as a gift before. Nobody around my Place of Former Employment where I used to live ever planted anything into their gardens*. Or if they did, they were nicked by the bairns climbing over the fence. So now, yes, they're telling me I've moved away, that now I live where you can plant an azalea. I'll wait until the rain has stopped, then I'll ring my mum who will explain exactly how I plant my azalea.

They were all getting nostalgic and I couldn't. However, I suddenly realised that I'm not angry with them any more. Ten years of my life there, yes... but I cannot fault their motives. They're working in such a complex, such a deprived and daunting place that they simply don't have the energy for the self-reflection they'd need to realise what they're doing, how they're unwittingly turning their backs to people, how they're inadvertently generating a dependency which perpetuates all the problems of the community... at least they've spent the last 400 years trying, which is more than can be said for anyone else. The state has spent the last 30 years putting the community into every regeneration scheme, initiative and intervention going... various New Deals, Sure Starts, all the Action Zones... with few discernible benefits simply because none of the sundry professionals have taken time to get to know the area or build relationships with the people before they demolish flats or remove children. So, yes, the church can sometimes relate to people in the very most crassly colonial, us-and-them, servant-recipient, saved-Unwashed** dichotomies, but at least they keep trying. And that, surely, has got to convey some love.

And now, having ceased to feel fury towards my Place of Former Employment and the church and the Church, I just want to find somewhere else that's worship and community and love. But this time, somewhere where there's a bit of freedom and independence and autonomy and free-thinking allowed, too...



* One summer, many, many years back, the previous management organised me a day trip to an azalea garden, in the way that one apparently does in such circumstances. I experienced the worst case of phenothiazine photosensitivity I'd ever seen, and they all got a bit scared.

** See Jeanette Winterson, "Oranges are Not the Only Fruit".

"We'd had a lively discussion in the office about whether to buy you book tokens for a Christian bookshop or to buy, you know, secular book tokens"

One of those throwaway comments that inadvertently manages to encapsulate a decade*.

They'd decided for my last day to buy me tokens for the local Christian book shop to thank God for my hard work for them.

I'm sitting with the cat, the laptop and a bottle of wine, browsing the CLC website**.


* The explanation for this statement has been removed by the blog administrator as it may have led to Grace's former place of employment launching libel action against her. Please address all queries to God instead.

** How 'bout this for a purchase?

jesus wept even harder

Nobody should die like that in this country, ever.

I've never seen the minister who conducted the funeral looking so entirely out-of-his-depth in front of a congregation.

It's my last day working there tomorrow.

grace grabs headlines?

I had a call on my mobile this morning from a journalist wanting to know all about our wedding, wanting to write about us.

I can't decide whether I'm reading too much into the questions he was asking, or whether he was fishing for scandal, controversy and a backstory I was refusing to provide. But if he were looking for intrigue, there'd be other wedding guests less discreet than I who might be happy to bring it on.

As disappointed as I am by how badly my current church and place of employment has responded to our relationship, I don't want to see them shamed by the media for it.

Though it might give them something to think about...

On being outed as losing faith in evangelicals. A conversation I entangled myself in today...

The scene is set at Grace's workplace

ADMINISTRATOR ... so now that we've arranged for you to go to Big Evangelistic Crusade on Thursday at 6, I'll have a ring round the volunteers to see who can cover for your 4.30 meeting with Statutory Agency.

GRACE (looking embarrassed and apologetic) I'm sorry, I should have realised the clash. It was before the honeymoon, though, that I'd arranged with Statutory Agency...

ADMINISTRATOR Really, Grace, don't worry about it. It'll be good experience for a volunteer.

GRACE Yes, but it's still supposed to be my responsibility. It's what I'm paid for here.

ADMINISTRATOR But you'll be wanting to go to Big Evangelistic Crusade, surely.

GRACE There'll be other chances. And all of our volunteers will be wanting to be there, too. I don't want to deprive any of them of the opportunity.

Enter TRUSTEE from stage left

TRUSTEE (interrupting) ... but we don't want to deprive you of the opportunity, Grace.

GRACE Thank you, that's kind.

ADMINISTRATOR So which would you rather do? Go to Big Evangelistic Crusade or a meeting with Statutory Agency?

GRACE I couldn't possibly answer.

TRUSTEE Why not?

GRACE It's not about which I prefer. It's about how I can best be used to serve God.

TRUSTEE That's deep of you.

ADMINISTRATOR But which would you prefer?

GRACE (taking a very deep breath) The meeting with Statutory Agency.

Pause

ADMINISTRATOR Right, so if I can't find anyone from amongst the volunteers to cover for the Statutory Agency meeting by the time the coach leaves for Big Evangelistic Crusade, I'll let you know...

back to work...

... and I resigned from my job.

They’re asking me why. I’m taking my time before responding. As a salaried employee, I am under no legal obligation to provide them with a reason or justification for my resignation. They say that until I provide a reason, the speculation will generate rumours. Given that I won’t be there to hear the rumours, I will risk a few days to collect my thoughts.

It was the wedding day which decided it. Or, more specifically, the chorister who opened the service with the words from Handel’s Messiah:

And cry unto her, that her warfare, that her warfare is accomplished. And her iniquity is pardoned, her iniquity is pardoned. (Isaiah 40:2)

It was at that moment that I realised that I no longer needed to fight for my love for Beloved to be approved of, recognised or sacramentalised by any given church, or indeed by any particular person. God was there, and so were 200 people watching me walk down the aisle.

I don’t need to fight any longer. I need to concentrate on loving my new husband. And that may include finding a church which might respect my new husband a little more than the church which refused to marry us.

Yet after the turmoil of the engagement and all the various forms of explosiveness our marriage plans caused, all my working relationships there are so dismal that all endeavours to find a church that will respect Beloved would seem destined to cause more fighting.

I resigned because I did not want dismal working relationships within the church to distract me from my relationship with my new husband and with family any longer. I resigned because I did not want to fight the church or the Church any more.

The Bible, the church and the Church generally agree that committing to one’s partner and family should be considered more important than any other form of Christian service. In resigning from my job because resigning seems the only way to ensure I can do this, I am therefore doing nothing very controversial.

Except that, if I tell them that’s why I am leaving, I will have highlighted the ne'er-to-be-whispered truth that working for a church, Christian charity or faith-based social project can be so stressful that it can put relationships, families and marriages under almost intolerable pressure. That would be extremely controversial. And I resigned specifically because I wanted to stop causing controversy in the church.

With this in mind, do I disclose the true reason for my resignation?

If I do disclose the true reason for my resignation, I will – as demonstrated above – be launching a lump of something extremely brown and sticky at the proverbial.

But if I say something vague and fluffy and twee about seeking fresh pastures, I will have denied them a potentially very beneficial opportunity to learn from all that has happened.

And if I say nothing at all, I will no doubt soon hear that I have suffered a molar pregnancy rapidly progressing into a rare and deadly gynaecological malignancy. And the intrigue and concern of this will also deny them a potentially very beneficial opportunity to learn from all that has happened.

So really, I need to tell them at least something of why I’ve resigned.

Perhaps, newly-married or not, I’m destined to be at war with the church or Church forever...?

The Employment and Equalities Act (Churches) 2008

Somebody putting "Equal Opportunities" and "church" into Google will now think they've discovered a new piece of legislation. Tee hee.

I decided, though, today, that the government should grant all faith-based organisations full exemption from all employment and equalities legislation.

My reasoning is that the legislation has done very little to improve the employment conditions of employees in Christian organisations. All that has changed in the 30 or so years that such laws have been introduced is that Christian organisations have been more covert in their discrimination, pretending to follow the rules when they aren't, afraid to admit themselves unable to comply with or even understand what's legally being requested of them. This leads to the following problems
1. Job applicants and employees expect from Christian organisations legal rights and safeguards they will never receive
2. The vast majority of job applicants and employees do not have the time, money or courage to take Christian organisations to employment tribunals. The pressure "not to bring the name of Christ into disrepute" is immense and the adverse publicity generated can be vicious. John Reaney, who managed to win against the Diocese of Hereford was a rare exception.
3. Because the Reaney case was so exceptional, the majority of Christian organisations end up thinking they've got away with it.

If however, Christian organisations were to gain exemption from employment and equalities legislation
1. They could tell candidates the interview stage that they don't like gays/women/Blacks/immigrants so that the candidate would be aware at that stage what sort of organisation they were applying to.
2. They could stop using the Genuine Occupational Requirement clause to stipulate a youth worker who is "aged 24-26 with curly pink hair and a Scouse accent" so that they not longer look ridiculous in their own job ads.
3. Those Christian organisations who are known to be particularly good employers (such as the Faithworks Trust, Tearfund, Christian Aid etc) could receive the acclaim they deserve as outstandingly good people, properly motivated by grace, truth and love.
4. This would demonstrate that the guy who started the whole Christianity thing off was, despite never intending to form an organisation of any sort, an outstaningly kind, tolerant, welcoming, affirming and inclusive sort of bloke.

employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church employment equalities church

magnanimous.

Another day, another meeting, another crisis.

The very nice solicitor I saw last night tells me that, in all my dealings with them, I've been "hugely magnanimous". I think Jesus would have been, too.

Jesus, however, could never have used the first century Palestinian legal system to fight the religious authorities he clashed with. No solicitor would ever have represented his case of vicitimisation for having claimed to be the Messiah.

I don't want money or publicity, nor do I feel the need for any public vindication, nor am I naive enough to believe that a tribunal claim would prevent them from doing to another employee exactly what they're done to me. All I want is for them to think. To think about the love they preach and to comtemplate how their employment practice might relate to that. So the question for me, in considering whether to take legal action against them is straightforward: which course of action will better help them to ponder what they're doing.

I spent the night with Fiance and couldn't sleep. I ended up downstairs watching various Benn Hinn miracles crusades dubbed into Yoruba (much flinging about of crutch, which says essentially the same thing in any language) and an un-named Muslim televangelist implore me to give my credit card details to Fatah. At about 4am I rang into one of the Properity Prayer lines and asked the operator to believe God with me for twenty grand for my "ministry". Not that money would sort my job out, of course, but it certainly wouldn't be any harm. The man ended the conversation by assuring me that a twenty-five grand cheque will be in my office pigeon hole tomorrow. If he's right, I will publish a written retraction of all my cynicism and apply to Rhema college.

If I'm learning anything whatsoever about this, it's that what the Christian message starts, ends and utterly depends on and stands or fails upon... it's love. Unless Christians can treat each other properly (or rather, unless Christians can be honest about how hard it is to treat one another properly) they might as well not bother invoking the name of Jesus.

and then what?

When you feel as though they've really bollocksed up under all known employment procedures and then managed to slide away from it, what do you do? In the words of Phillip Yancey, we're all of us bastards and God loves us anyway. So essentially, then, you forgive them and you love them. But can I do that? Maybe. However, my sense of kinship with and passion for them has been extinguished.

A woman from church asked me this evening whether Fiance and I had moved in together yet. I told her that if we had, I would certainly no longer be allowed to continue in my job. She giggled nervously and replied oh but I was just trying to be open-minded about these things. I didn't tell her that, last week, I was on the verge of walking away from my job and moving right in with him.