A mum in her mid-thirties, four children, lived across the street from me, next door to where I work, dead.
Cause of death, factors that should never, never kill. A community that should never have been this way.
Prayers, please.
Friday, 30 May 2008
Thursday, 22 May 2008
grace grabs headlines?
I had a call on my mobile this morning from a journalist wanting to know all about our wedding, wanting to write about us.
I can't decide whether I'm reading too much into the questions he was asking, or whether he was fishing for scandal, controversy and a backstory I was refusing to provide. But if he were looking for intrigue, there'd be other wedding guests less discreet than I who might be happy to bring it on.
As disappointed as I am by how badly my current church and place of employment has responded to our relationship, I don't want to see them shamed by the media for it.
Though it might give them something to think about...
I can't decide whether I'm reading too much into the questions he was asking, or whether he was fishing for scandal, controversy and a backstory I was refusing to provide. But if he were looking for intrigue, there'd be other wedding guests less discreet than I who might be happy to bring it on.
As disappointed as I am by how badly my current church and place of employment has responded to our relationship, I don't want to see them shamed by the media for it.
Though it might give them something to think about...
Monday, 19 May 2008
On being outed as losing faith in evangelicals. A conversation I entangled myself in today...
The scene is set at Grace's workplace
ADMINISTRATOR ... so now that we've arranged for you to go to Big Evangelistic Crusade on Thursday at 6, I'll have a ring round the volunteers to see who can cover for your 4.30 meeting with Statutory Agency.
GRACE (looking embarrassed and apologetic) I'm sorry, I should have realised the clash. It was before the honeymoon, though, that I'd arranged with Statutory Agency...
ADMINISTRATOR Really, Grace, don't worry about it. It'll be good experience for a volunteer.
GRACE Yes, but it's still supposed to be my responsibility. It's what I'm paid for here.
ADMINISTRATOR But you'll be wanting to go to Big Evangelistic Crusade, surely.
GRACE There'll be other chances. And all of our volunteers will be wanting to be there, too. I don't want to deprive any of them of the opportunity.
Enter TRUSTEE from stage left
TRUSTEE (interrupting) ... but we don't want to deprive you of the opportunity, Grace.
GRACE Thank you, that's kind.
ADMINISTRATOR So which would you rather do? Go to Big Evangelistic Crusade or a meeting with Statutory Agency?
GRACE I couldn't possibly answer.
TRUSTEE Why not?
GRACE It's not about which I prefer. It's about how I can best be used to serve God.
TRUSTEE That's deep of you.
ADMINISTRATOR But which would you prefer?
GRACE (taking a very deep breath) The meeting with Statutory Agency.
Pause
ADMINISTRATOR Right, so if I can't find anyone from amongst the volunteers to cover for the Statutory Agency meeting by the time the coach leaves for Big Evangelistic Crusade, I'll let you know...
ADMINISTRATOR ... so now that we've arranged for you to go to Big Evangelistic Crusade on Thursday at 6, I'll have a ring round the volunteers to see who can cover for your 4.30 meeting with Statutory Agency.
GRACE (looking embarrassed and apologetic) I'm sorry, I should have realised the clash. It was before the honeymoon, though, that I'd arranged with Statutory Agency...
ADMINISTRATOR Really, Grace, don't worry about it. It'll be good experience for a volunteer.
GRACE Yes, but it's still supposed to be my responsibility. It's what I'm paid for here.
ADMINISTRATOR But you'll be wanting to go to Big Evangelistic Crusade, surely.
GRACE There'll be other chances. And all of our volunteers will be wanting to be there, too. I don't want to deprive any of them of the opportunity.
Enter TRUSTEE from stage left
TRUSTEE (interrupting) ... but we don't want to deprive you of the opportunity, Grace.
GRACE Thank you, that's kind.
ADMINISTRATOR So which would you rather do? Go to Big Evangelistic Crusade or a meeting with Statutory Agency?
GRACE I couldn't possibly answer.
TRUSTEE Why not?
GRACE It's not about which I prefer. It's about how I can best be used to serve God.
TRUSTEE That's deep of you.
ADMINISTRATOR But which would you prefer?
GRACE (taking a very deep breath) The meeting with Statutory Agency.
Pause
ADMINISTRATOR Right, so if I can't find anyone from amongst the volunteers to cover for the Statutory Agency meeting by the time the coach leaves for Big Evangelistic Crusade, I'll let you know...
Saturday, 17 May 2008
back to work...
... and I resigned from my job.
They’re asking me why. I’m taking my time before responding. As a salaried employee, I am under no legal obligation to provide them with a reason or justification for my resignation. They say that until I provide a reason, the speculation will generate rumours. Given that I won’t be there to hear the rumours, I will risk a few days to collect my thoughts.
It was the wedding day which decided it. Or, more specifically, the chorister who opened the service with the words from Handel’s Messiah:
It was at that moment that I realised that I no longer needed to fight for my love for Beloved to be approved of, recognised or sacramentalised by any given church, or indeed by any particular person. God was there, and so were 200 people watching me walk down the aisle.
I don’t need to fight any longer. I need to concentrate on loving my new husband. And that may include finding a church which might respect my new husband a little more than the church which refused to marry us.
Yet after the turmoil of the engagement and all the various forms of explosiveness our marriage plans caused, all my working relationships there are so dismal that all endeavours to find a church that will respect Beloved would seem destined to cause more fighting.
I resigned because I did not want dismal working relationships within the church to distract me from my relationship with my new husband and with family any longer. I resigned because I did not want to fight the church or the Church any more.
The Bible, the church and the Church generally agree that committing to one’s partner and family should be considered more important than any other form of Christian service. In resigning from my job because resigning seems the only way to ensure I can do this, I am therefore doing nothing very controversial.
Except that, if I tell them that’s why I am leaving, I will have highlighted the ne'er-to-be-whispered truth that working for a church, Christian charity or faith-based social project can be so stressful that it can put relationships, families and marriages under almost intolerable pressure. That would be extremely controversial. And I resigned specifically because I wanted to stop causing controversy in the church.
With this in mind, do I disclose the true reason for my resignation?
If I do disclose the true reason for my resignation, I will – as demonstrated above – be launching a lump of something extremely brown and sticky at the proverbial.
But if I say something vague and fluffy and twee about seeking fresh pastures, I will have denied them a potentially very beneficial opportunity to learn from all that has happened.
And if I say nothing at all, I will no doubt soon hear that I have suffered a molar pregnancy rapidly progressing into a rare and deadly gynaecological malignancy. And the intrigue and concern of this will also deny them a potentially very beneficial opportunity to learn from all that has happened.
So really, I need to tell them at least something of why I’ve resigned.
Perhaps, newly-married or not, I’m destined to be at war with the church or Church forever...?
They’re asking me why. I’m taking my time before responding. As a salaried employee, I am under no legal obligation to provide them with a reason or justification for my resignation. They say that until I provide a reason, the speculation will generate rumours. Given that I won’t be there to hear the rumours, I will risk a few days to collect my thoughts.
It was the wedding day which decided it. Or, more specifically, the chorister who opened the service with the words from Handel’s Messiah:
And cry unto her, that her warfare, that her warfare is accomplished. And her iniquity is pardoned, her iniquity is pardoned. (Isaiah 40:2)
It was at that moment that I realised that I no longer needed to fight for my love for Beloved to be approved of, recognised or sacramentalised by any given church, or indeed by any particular person. God was there, and so were 200 people watching me walk down the aisle.
I don’t need to fight any longer. I need to concentrate on loving my new husband. And that may include finding a church which might respect my new husband a little more than the church which refused to marry us.
Yet after the turmoil of the engagement and all the various forms of explosiveness our marriage plans caused, all my working relationships there are so dismal that all endeavours to find a church that will respect Beloved would seem destined to cause more fighting.
I resigned because I did not want dismal working relationships within the church to distract me from my relationship with my new husband and with family any longer. I resigned because I did not want to fight the church or the Church any more.
The Bible, the church and the Church generally agree that committing to one’s partner and family should be considered more important than any other form of Christian service. In resigning from my job because resigning seems the only way to ensure I can do this, I am therefore doing nothing very controversial.
Except that, if I tell them that’s why I am leaving, I will have highlighted the ne'er-to-be-whispered truth that working for a church, Christian charity or faith-based social project can be so stressful that it can put relationships, families and marriages under almost intolerable pressure. That would be extremely controversial. And I resigned specifically because I wanted to stop causing controversy in the church.
With this in mind, do I disclose the true reason for my resignation?
If I do disclose the true reason for my resignation, I will – as demonstrated above – be launching a lump of something extremely brown and sticky at the proverbial.
But if I say something vague and fluffy and twee about seeking fresh pastures, I will have denied them a potentially very beneficial opportunity to learn from all that has happened.
And if I say nothing at all, I will no doubt soon hear that I have suffered a molar pregnancy rapidly progressing into a rare and deadly gynaecological malignancy. And the intrigue and concern of this will also deny them a potentially very beneficial opportunity to learn from all that has happened.
So really, I need to tell them at least something of why I’ve resigned.
Perhaps, newly-married or not, I’m destined to be at war with the church or Church forever...?
Thursday, 8 May 2008
honeymoon despatches
Firstly, to Erika´s daughter... huge, massive congratulations! If it had been my mum orchestrating the cancer-beating celebrations, she´d have sent me to school with a chocolate munch cake in the shape of a needle and drip... so it seems that on the embarrassment scale, you got away lightly with a banner. I hope the celebrations of your cancer-free life and future will continue...
Secondly, congratulations to the friend who declined our wedding invitation on the grounds that you had an unshakable intuitive sense that you´d be busy giving birth that day, despite it still being only 34 weeks into your pregnancy. By my estimation, your waters would have been breaking at the very moment we exchanged our vows (well, in my romantic imagination anyway... it can´t have been much after that) Lovely to see the photos of your new son...
And yes, we´re now married. Something which renders me somewhat devoid of words... not least because the organisation of the keyboard from which I´m typing this is making punçtuatioñ interesting¡ ´Start at the beginning´ He says ´something about the garden of Eden´. Forbidden fruit¿ Hmmmm. The all-inclusiveness of our reort passage meaning thereçs an unlimited abundance of all kinds of fruit at no extra cost. Except that only a few hundred miles from us, people are rioting in protest at food shortages, hunger and economic meltdown. A very sheltered, naive form of paradise, then, of a honeymoon.
One which follows, though, a very un-sheltered and reality-crunching wedding full of such life, warmth, faith, humour, dialogue, daffodils, chorality, chocolate and so much love... Thank you to all involved, and to all who came and supported what your consciences and families may have made it very costly for you to have come and supported (most of whom won´t be reading this anyway). And thanks to family. Of course.
Just feeling so grateful...
Secondly, congratulations to the friend who declined our wedding invitation on the grounds that you had an unshakable intuitive sense that you´d be busy giving birth that day, despite it still being only 34 weeks into your pregnancy. By my estimation, your waters would have been breaking at the very moment we exchanged our vows (well, in my romantic imagination anyway... it can´t have been much after that) Lovely to see the photos of your new son...
And yes, we´re now married. Something which renders me somewhat devoid of words... not least because the organisation of the keyboard from which I´m typing this is making punçtuatioñ interesting¡ ´Start at the beginning´ He says ´something about the garden of Eden´. Forbidden fruit¿ Hmmmm. The all-inclusiveness of our reort passage meaning thereçs an unlimited abundance of all kinds of fruit at no extra cost. Except that only a few hundred miles from us, people are rioting in protest at food shortages, hunger and economic meltdown. A very sheltered, naive form of paradise, then, of a honeymoon.
One which follows, though, a very un-sheltered and reality-crunching wedding full of such life, warmth, faith, humour, dialogue, daffodils, chorality, chocolate and so much love... Thank you to all involved, and to all who came and supported what your consciences and families may have made it very costly for you to have come and supported (most of whom won´t be reading this anyway). And thanks to family. Of course.
Just feeling so grateful...
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